30 is the magic number

God works in mysterious ways. God also likes to leave mysterious messages through uncanny messengers. Take for instance the sight I saw in my back yard one day as I sat with my daughter enjoying some mid-day sunshine.  I said, "Look, Betty! A beautiful butterfly…..hanging out on Sam's poo!" I was shocked to see a butterfly so content to hang out on our dog's crap! It was there for a good 30 minutes, just chompin' away.  Of course, as with most "messages from God", there is a good scientific reason why this butterfly was on the dog's poo. However, only God can explain why I chose to be in the yard at the choice moment to witness it.

As I watched this butterfly delicately feasting on the reconstituted remnants of Sam's dinner, I couldn't help thinking that this is something that I needed to learn from.  This butterfly was literally turning this shit into gold! It found the most value in a shitty situation (pun intended!) and that was something that I have not been doing in my recent life. It's so easy to throw yourself a pity party and dwell on the ways life has screwed you over and I have been guilty of that for the last couple of months.

Take for instance this blog. What used to be my outlet for happy thoughts of the day has turned into my delta of abstract angst. I was talking to someone recently about journal writing (OK, we actually said "Diary" writing, because no one writes in a "Journal" when they are 10), and we both admitted that we never wrote about anything that we are happy about, especially when we were little.  Everything from my diary at 10 was some crap story about some HUGE drama that was so important at the time.  Ironically, my diary at 20 is no different.  Since I have turned 30, I think it's time that the format of my recorded life needs a change!

Why is this personal phenomena part of our human condition? Why is it so easy to kvetch about the small things and forget to celebrate the good? There's a cyclical nature to life and I feel like I'm walking somewhat of a similar path to one I was walking 10 years ago.  At the time, I was so waterlogged emotionally, that I felt like I couldn't just ever lie about how I was actually feeling. I even did an art piece about it. It was all about the concept of constantly having to answer "I'm fine." or "Can't complain ." or the overly common "OK." when someone asked, "How are you?" It's polite to ask the question, but impolite to actually go into detail about what's actually going on. I only ever wanted to talk about what was bothering me and I never felt like it was right to own that feeling.

Although I feel like I've past this now, it's almost like I'm in this perpetual state of emotional wandering. -like the feeling you get when you're starving and standing in front of the pantry, not knowing what you want to eat since you haven't gone to grocery in a long time and all you have left are random ingredients to make who knows what. It's hard to decide when you feel like you don't have anything to choose from.

I recently read a birthday horoscope that said, "People born on this date want what they want, though exactly what that is has a tendency to change from day to day. November 28 individuals are often uncertain about which path to take, generally because they have so many interests. They try hard to be more decisive about goals, which can become a goal in itself!" True to my sign, I am an archer constantly trying to increase my skills as a sharp shooter, but it takes great skill to hit a moving target.

In light of realizing (and accepting) that I have life trajectory ADD, I feel propelled to correct this condition in myself. I feel guilty for not happening upon this self diagnosis years ago when I was in my mid 20's. Think of how much more prepared I'd be!!! I've started to ask myself and my guides for more concrete direction as to where I need to go from this point in my life, and from what I can gather, the message is and always has been the same:  "FIGURE IT OUT YOURSELF!" 

Although, I keep randomly seeing little signs about taking a more active role in my existence.  While standing around waiting near the microwave at work, I ended up reading these self awareness blurbs on a Kaiser Permanente lunch sack. The saying that got me was "Successful people say 'I will' instead of 'I'll try." How many times had I said that in the past? and more importantly, how much do I care about that number??? I feel like society puts so much emphasis on SUCCESS. Our focus is so much on monetary gain, material gain, and social status. The who, the what, and the where.  Never in my life have I felt more that "how well you're doing" is tied directly to the numerical amount in your bank account. Turning 30 and having a family to support adds a fire underneath that ladder to success!!!

and that ladder…It's ironic that Chutes and Ladders is a game that we all played as kids, because such is life! Who hasn't taken a ladder to the top, only to take a chute back down to the bottom of the board? The frustration of never getting anywhere in the game brings about another adage about success, "It's not whether you win or lose that's important, it's how you play the game." -but who doesn't like to win? especially when you feel like you've lost the whole season.

Bullocks to the ladder I've been on! 

I've reached the Twilight Zone portion of mine where I don't know where the ladder is heading. It doesn't feel like an upward direction anymore. -or a straight direction for that matter. I feel like I'm in a constant zig zag, but apparently that's normal. Recently, I heard a bit on NPR about how it's scientifically impossible for any human being to walk in a straight line beyond a certain point. There's an apparent and unfounded point in which we all turn. 

I feel that I have reached that point in my life. This is my moment to turn away from the path I've been trying to walk for so long, one that I chose when I was younger, naive, and with more to prove. Life is so different now, so precious. No longer do I feel the need to pretend that I am invincible. There's something comforting to me in knowing that I am not.   -fitting that this moment can help me mold a New Year's resolution: "I must enjoy the life that I have and not be bounded by the things that I can not control. I have to revel in the things I can change and be pro-active in how I achieve my core goals. Live to enjoy life, not just get through it." It's also ironic that 2011 is a 7 year in numerology for me, meaning that this is a time to retreat and re-assess my life and where I am headed. For a change, I am looking forward to that challenge and the road in front of me.


Ruby Gray's said...

I'm there too. I'm doing a dog leg rather than turning completely round though, does that still count?